Monday Shoop

This:

Plus this:

Equals this:

Sunday Shoop

Trying to keep this thing active. This shop was a pain. Colors aren't my strong suit. I'm as color blind as a Benetton ad. Had to do a ton of color adujstment, blurring, sharpening, layering rain over her face from the background rain, etc, etc, blurg.

Ty-Rex

Rantus Dildoicus

I kind of stopped posting here because I wanted to come up with some sort of form, a pre-determined method of madness, to what I would be posting here. This is so people could go, "Oh, this is a _____ site. Cool runnings." or, "Fuck this dude, this shit is dumb".

Now I don't care. I'll just be posting whatever I want to talk about. So, officially, this now a blog site. My penchant is to mock celebritards and talk about games. This is what I will be doing today. I will present these in as bite-sized portions as possible so you can get on with your day. 

Willow Palin calls troll a faggot:

Lol. Now, I am not proud of myself when I use this word. I am trying to be more sensitive towards people this word offends. To be honest, I've never met a homo that had a problem with the word, but other people do so whatever. I usually only say it about some spawn camping fuck in a multiplayer war game. And even then, they cannot hear me. I'm not perfect. I don't care. And there are a bajillion 16-year-olds that say horrible shit all the time. It's called being 16. Big deal.

But when your mother is the most pompous, self-important, media troll of all-time, shoving her "morals" and "beliefs" in your face, attacking non-God fearing liberals for their lack of faith and blahblahblah, it is offensive.

Don't try to tell me we are all fucked up and your way is right when one daughter was pregnant at 17, and another calls some dude a faggot on Facebook. And even worse is she wrote "Your such a Faggot".

She should have learned the difference between Your and You're by the sixth grade at the latest. Did her parents not help her with her homework? Did they not attend parent/teacher conferences? I'm quite certain this wouldn't have been the first time she's confused those two words.

So Sarah Failin, until your children stop having children, and stop feeding trolls with offensive words and poor Engrish, you and your smug grin can eat a giant can of shit. You and your (this is the correct use of your) family are no better than any other family in this country. The only difference is, you present them as if they are.

Welcome back to earth.

Activision Purchases, Strip-Mines, Discards Carcass of Budcat Studios.

MY HATERADE IS DELICIOUS AND FAIRLY PRICED!

According to Kotaku.com, Activision made the choice to shut down Budcat studios. Now, I had never heard of Budcat until yesterday, but here is the skinny.

Oh hey, their website no longer works. Activision is probably all over saving the pennies from the 18 hits on bandwidth the site might have gotten today.

Budcat was an independent studio, located in Iowa City, Iowa. Activision purchased them outright. Budcat did work bringing Guitar Hero and Band Hero to the Playstation 2 and Wii consoles. So, once that work was done, instead of allowing them to possibly create or develop something else, they completely shut the place down.

It could be based on poor sales of these products. I am not bothering to check if this the case because if that was the issue, then whoever at Activision directed them to make Band Hero for the old-ass PS2 should be the one taking the fall, not the people told to do it.

Activision purchased this company, used them for what they wanted, then pushed 88 people out of a moving car by shutting down the entire fucking studio. They say they are giving them good severance packages and trying to relocate some people within other areas of Activision where possible.

I'm sure this does wonders for the economy of Iowa City. But it'll be fine. I'm sure these devs will just walk across the street to Bungie or Valve and get a job, because Iowa City, as we all know, is Gaming Company Capitol, USA.

That's 88 homes/apartments that could possibly be lost. 88 possible applications for unemployment and food stamps. Local restaurants and coffee shops losing the lunch crowd. The owners of the building losing rent.

Nevermind that Activision made $51 million in profits for Q3, much less made $219 million in profits during Q2, much much less that Call Of Duty: Black Ops sold a record-breaking 5.6 million copies in one day, much much much less that World of Warcraft: Cataclysm will most likely sell a shit ton of copies. This will most likely make Q4 a HUGE profit generator for the Board of Directors and investors alike. And scraping 88 jobs will help solidify those Q4 profits indeed! So Merry Christmas, Activision!

Granted, Budcat could have failed all on its own, but that's neither here nor there now. Activision shut them down and kicked them all to the curb. Here is a lovely portion of a statement from Activision.

We continue to streamline our music development resources to ensure that they are aligned against our slate and strategic goals. As a result, we are implementing a targeted reduction in jobs in our Quality Assurance team in California and closing our Budcat studio in Iowa. Budcat has been a great partner to Activision and has created a lasting impact on the Guitar Hero franchise.

Approximately 88 positions, or approximately 1% of our global workforce, will be impacted by these reductions.

Oh. Only 1%. let's make them feel even more insignificant after we fucking decimate them.

Russian Activision Supervisor says: "They are merely puny cog in overall, giant machine. They will not be missed. "

Squirrelly HR rep says:  "See how good we are? It's only 1 percent. We're good people!"

Kotick the Barbarian says:

"What is best in life? To crush your employees, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the gamers as they pay to download overpriced map packs!"

It's only 1%. Sounds really easy to swallow until you realize it's an entire company in a small town (Iowa City has a population of 68,000 people...so "city" is a total misnomer) that was shut down. That every employee from one company was shit-canned. So, depending on how look at (I like to think that Activision's glass is half-full of human rape, not half empty), it is actually 100 FUCKING PERCENT OF ONE COMPANY! To be fair, Activision "says" they will try to integrate some of these people into other areas of their company But those people will obviously have to pick up their entire lives and move to another state if they want that job.

One final note: There are probably grammatical errors all up in this bitch. The difference is I don't think I'm any better than anybody else.....except the Palin family.

If you will it, it is not a dream

Mel Gibson's Greatest Hits!

Look, the guy has been breathing rarified air for decades. He is a huge box office star and has made some amazing movies. He's most likely been able to afford an army of Yes Men to tell him everything he does is sugar tits and that he shits rainbows. He made a bajillion dollars off of the most gruesome exploitation flick ever made and even convinced an army of morons to bring their young children to that excessively violent piece of shit. 

And just like Tom Cruise, all the bizarre fuckery reveals itself over time. Years ago, all signs pointed to Mel Gibson potentially being "completely whacked" when it was reported that his Vater, Hutton Gibson, was caught babbling to a bag of potatoes he mistook for Billy Joel, that the Holocaust never happened. Well, kinda never happened.

"It's all -- maybe not all fiction -- but most of it is," - Hutton Gibson, sitting on the bank of a river in Egypt.

I am not here to justify anything that Mel Gibson has said recently, but racism, sexism, and Anti-Semitism is not some switch you just flip on at the age of 54. There is an ongoing debate whether racism is taught or learned. I'll settle this right now: sure. whatever. now shut up.

Lost footage of MTV Cribs Pilot: Mel Hanging with an Unidentified Friend

So, this past week found Mel Gibson in a bit of a spot. According to INTERNET SITE, Mel Gibson read some poetry to his love.

"Mel says on tape, "You look like a f** king pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."

Gibson apparently left this hate-filled message on Oksana’s voice mail. The actor says: “This is my last message. I might be the father... Well, f** you... You psycho c***... Because I don’t care.”

[...]On tape, he says: "I am going to come and burn the f**king house down... but you will blow me first."

Source: RadarOnline

So, Mel got into it with his Baby Mama and she recorded his rantings. This is dirty, gold digger bullshit. All the sexist things he said are an automatic wash. Men say all kinds of fucked up shit when they are fighting with a woman. And women say fucked up shit back. Since she was taping it, anything she did or didn't say was most likely pre-mediated and not a true reflection of how she behaves in this kind of scenario. This doesn't mean his isn't off his nut, that it wasn't scary, or that he was even anywhere near sane, but I trust her word about as much as I trust his dad's account of the Auschwitz Summer Camp Fun Time Hour.

This kind of thing happens between men and women every second of every day. For example, when I was six, I called my Gammy a dumb twat because she burnt my grilled cheese. Can you fucking blame me? She'd had 58 years on Earth to perfect this simple, simple meal. Didn't mean I actually meant it. Didn't mean I didn't love her. My Gammy was awesome. Things get said when tempers and sandwiches flare.

But the whole "pack of n***ers" business? YIKES! Well, I have to take several LARGE steps back from that. No dude, unless he is a complete racist, is gonna say that kind of shit. That is all him. His guts, his mind, his heart. No heated "oopsies" there. Also, "pack" makes it sound like the people he is speaking of are predatory animals....oh. I just got that.

Even though he was Pack-Less, Al Jolson still liked to do rape.

Now that this is all out in the open, people are all up in arms. My question is, what's the point? Can you fix him? Can you get him to change his ways through sensitivity training and rehabilitation? Pick up what I am about to put down. Criminals go to prison, get beaten, raped, and stabbed, like, everyday. When they get out, are they rehabilitated? Was their experience so awful and life-changing that they never commit another crime again? Sure. Some do, but most of those people are non-violent offenders. The hardest of the hardcore go back for seconds, thirds, life. 

If repeatedly getting fucked in the ass against your will does not deter you from doing something simple and as morally correct as not breaking the law, then what chance does 3 weeks of feel-good, hippie-hugging counseling have? It wouldn't matter if The All Mighty Lynyrd Skynyrd theyself covered "Ebony and Ivory", the KKK is still gonna hate Jews and Blacks.

Speaking of hating Jews, I re-read an article about Mel's DUI rant back in 2006, when I saw something I either glossed over the first time, or missed completely.

Gibson, a strict Catholic, then launched into an anti-semitic tirade, referring to “f****** Jews” and stating that “the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world”

I'm pretty sure he was still all high off "The Passion" and had an axe to grind with the chosen people. There is no way the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Or are they? I quickly dove into full-on "blog responsibly" mode and have made some disturbing discoveries. Jews may not have been the reason for all the wars but they need to own up for the ones they did start. Then the healing can begin. I found the proof to back up some of Mel's claim. Pictures don't lie, people. Not on the Internet.

The Civil War:

President Lincoln with two of his top advisors: Shadrach "Star-Spangled" Jones and Joziah "Oh, Say Can you See" O'Callaghan

World War II:

Jews bombing Pearl Harbor with delicious, chewy death.

The Iraq War:

American Troops capture the architect of the Iraqi War.

The war in Afghanistan:

Kyle Broflovski and a bunch of other Jews plotting revenge in Kabul.

And a war that hasn't even happened yet. The War against the Machines:

Jews in ur future, doin' Judgment Day

He has even addressed it in his own movies. It may have been a while since you've watched Braveheart, but that movie is about Scottish people standing up to Jew-Run England and it's King: King Edward Freeberg.

Did you know: The last person I would want to be right now is Danny Glover? Poor guy probably can't even leave the house. Everybody is going to want to talk to him about this. If I was able to get an exclusive with Danny Glover, I wouldn't even bother asking him about Mel. I would ask him why he bothered to make that piece of shit "Predator 2".

Will Mel Gibson ever recover? Maybe. Should Mel Gibson just disappear and not make any more movies? Probably. It's not like he needs the money. People might forget this but I doubt it. Nobody is still talking about when Jonathan Rhys Meyers said n***er to that flight attendant back in May. But Jonathan Rhys Meyers isn't on Mel Gibson's level. Who gives a fuck what that guy says?

But even with all this mess, Mel Gibson has left us with a gem so precious, it bares repeating.

"I am going to come and burn the fucking house down... but you will blow me first."

When I eventually meet a woman, get married, and have an epic battle that rests on the crux of a possible divorce, I will quote this line. I may not burn the house down and I may not get that hummer, but I'm not Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson has been nothing but successful (overall) in whatever he has set out to do. So if he said that, then it will most likely happen.

Enjoy your U.T.I.

.....useless, topical information.

Steve Carell is fleeing from The Office.

Okay, he isn't actually fleeing but that's how it looks in my head. Like, when they call, "That's a wrap on the season", BANG! He bolts from the set at top speed in his Florsheims. Doesn't even bother returning his costume to wardrobe. He'll send them a check for it in a few weeks...when he stops fleeing. Flees right past his own car, straight into the hills.

His contract is up after the 2011 season. He has said he won't be returning....hence all the full speed sprinting the fuck outta there. He said he wants to spend more time with his family. I'm sure he will but obviously he will continue making movies. "Date Night" made $97 million and he has "Dinner for Schmucks" coming out in a few weeks.

Did you know: Schmuck is Yiddish for Penis? Damn Liberal Jew Media shoving their dicks right in our faces.

Steve Carell on the set of Die Hard 5: The Hardest Death To Die

So, The Office is done, right? Nope. NBC has hinted (or full out stated, according to several co-stars ) that show will go on. No disrespect to the rest of the cast, but come fucking on. It's already 2 years too long. The show tumbled for me after the writer's strike. They came back and it wasn't the same. I can't sit through 5 minutes of it now. I don't even know why I still record it. But the awesome execs at NBC (who are having a banner year) are going to bypass the exit of quiet dignity and drive this show into the tainted sunset. Gervais and Merchant cannot be broke. They don't need the money. So why are they pushing forward?

See, it's all yellow because they're chickens.

NBC really doesn't have a lot. "30 Rock" is the best show they have. I personally love "Parks and Recreation". It reminds me a lot of The Office, back when it was funny. Plus, Amy Poehler is the funniest woman on television. A bunch of my friends love "Community". I couldn't get into it but its got a strong following. So, other than those three shows....what's on NBC? Oh yeah! Celebrity Apprentice. I could hate that show more effectively if I watched it but I get the idea: it sucks and got old halfway through the first season. Other than that, I cannot think of a single show on NBC's roster. 

Who knows? Maybe people will keep watching it. What else are they gonna watch? They can't watch something new because NBC what, can't find or develop a single show to replace it in the next 8-12 months? Well, just let us know how long you need to come up with a good TV show. I know it's hard. Plus, you love to drag shit out way past its prime, while chopping the heads off of anything new after 4-6 episodes.

Fergie is NOT fleeing from the Black Eyed Peas

Personally, I really don't care about anything Fergie has done or will do unless she's going to open a topless donut shop. I tried to get the dirt via her own website but cannot get the dox without signing up. 16-year-old girls belong to that site. If I was a 16-year-old girl, I'd be too busy giving it away for wine coolers and cocaine to even be on the web. So, according to INTERNET SITE, Fergeeee is not going anywhere. 

The Black Eyed Peas performing at Panda Express Last Thursday.

"I really don’t know where these rumors come from but I can say right now I’m not pregnant and I’m not breaking up."

It's okay, guis. She's not breaking up.

The rumors were swirling like flushed shit last week that she was leaving because she wanted to formed babby and because Will.I.Yam.What.I.Yam was a giant asshole. Look. That's just not possible. Anybody that writes "Tonight's Gonna be a Good Night" on a piece of paper 400 times and calls it a "song" cannot be an asshole. Temperamental Genius? Sure.

So, brace for more of....whatever it is the Black Eyed Peas do.

IRL Troll of the Week: Johnny Weir

He's never come out about his sexuality. He says it's private and nobody's business. He's totally right. But that doesn't stop people from speculating. And guess what everyone speculates? That he's the gay. Why? Because he wears crazy outfits? Celebs wear nutty shit 24/7, bro.

Lady Gaga and Nick Nolte at the Los Angeles County Library.

Weir is simply exploiting a well-known fact: women love gay dudes. Most men don't have the balls to commit on this level, but it's obvious he's all about suckin' titties and bangin' biddies. And when he's on the prowl, he only hits that top-shelf pussy.

You can't see below the frame but they are clearly pointing their genitals at each other. Body language doesn't lie. So all those that think he's gay are just fooling themselves. Alpha Dog is knockin' trim out the box daily. 

 Tamponswap salutes Johnny Weir: Cooze Hound.

Call of Duty: Black Ops

 

No. This screenshot is not from Call of Duty: Black Ops. It’s from the upcoming Call of Duty 8: Alamo Warfare. Call of Duty 9: Mother-Falkland Islands and Call of Duty 10: Waco BBQ Bloodbath are both currently in development. Upon hearing this news, Jason West and Vince Zampella were quoted as saying, “lol”.

I was seven when Atari came out. I even had the Sear's Pong system prior to that. I've been playing video games a long time. I have seen gaming evolve, dissolve, and be reborn. And upon gaming's rebirth I have seen how the gaming industry can operate. How companies jockey for top position. Backhanded insults towards their rivals tossed out at press conferences to fuel the fanboys. How big deals are made so they can be made a big deal of. How a successful game means immediate sequel.

“It was originally planned as a trilogy” – every developer ever.

How a successful sequel can potentially mean a franchise full of Shovelware and the permanent staining of what was once a good property? 80% of all Star Wars games, anyone, anyone?

 

Well, what happens when you have the biggest franchise of all time? I'd have to ask Nintendo that but I don't speak Japanese, so that's not happening. Okay, so what do you do when you have the biggest mature-rated, war-based, not-set-in-space (yet), First Person Shooter....franchise of the all time? Yeah, I said "of the all time". Sounds like a really internet thing to say.

 

Well, in that case you are Activision and you do what Activision does: shove a plate full of it in front of you as often as possible then tries to convince you to eat it.

Now don't get me wrong, I have purchased every C.O.D. game in the franchise except World at War. It’s a great series. And this piece isn't a slam against Treyarch or Infinity Ward. I love Devs, except when they talk about trilogies. Devs are the right brain of gaming. But every right brain needs a left. And when the creative and the analytical meet there really is no option. The left brain is going to get every last dollar possible out of a cash cow. All the way down to the nickels and dimes it can get for the marrow, tripe, intestines, and tongue. Investors demand it and people still eat Menudo.

So Activision, sitting on the hottest property in gaming, is going to answer their left brain’s call…of duty and they are going to drive that shit into the ground. There will no doubt be graphical advances, additional styles of multiplayer game types and, sadly, war isn’t going away. I enjoy shooting 14 year old racists and homophobes in the face as much as the next guy but I can only take so much. It’s like eating the same thing every day.

But here's the rub: gamers are fickle. Like bratty little toddlers that don't want to eat another bite of strained fucking peas. But here's your Dad, who just bought himself a nice new set of golf clubs, trying to feed you the same shit you ate yesterday. You could be eating a brand new IP like "Pears", but the peas were on sale and Daddy wasn't going to risk how pears were gonna go over. You ate the last six jars of peas so why not try to feed you more?

Now faced with a stubborn child, Daddy has to work for that country club membership so he has a place to show off his new clubs. But before he can join, Daddy has to increase profits and cut overhead. Mommy is still going to spend $28 dollars on a bottle of conditioner and Daddy isn’t gonna say shit about it if he ever wants to get laid again. So he has to convince you that these cheap ass peas are the motherfucking hype. They’re still the same peas you’ve been eating all along but now they have dynamic lighting and call signs.

You’ve had these peas but to convince you that you want more he is going all out in the presentation. He’s pitching you the “new” peas with a full-blown cinematic trailer. The trailer is so shiny and dap that after watching it you believe that by eating these new peas, your balls will swell to Pirate-size and that your friends will think you are xXxH4RDC0R3xXx4Lyfe!

"Shit. When I turn 18, I'm getting’ a Strained Fucking Peas tattoo. Maybe they'll send me a free hat."

If you haven't figured out where this is all going to converge, Activision is the Daddy, we are the bratty kids, and the marketing is how Daddy convinces you to eat your Goddamn Call of Duty: Black Ops Peas (now with more modern!).

Now you enjoyed this new batch of peas well enough but they weren’t as good as you remember the last jar tasting. Still, you want to eat more but you want to eat them somewhere else besides the Kitchen. Well, Daddy's gonna sell you a map pack that is more expensive than say downloadable maps for “Tom Clancy’s Squash”, or “Halo: Peach”. Instead of $10 dollars you get to pay $15 dollars to eat peas in "Living Room", "Back Porch", "Den", "Crash", and "Overgrown”.

Didn’t I eat peas in “Crash” and “Overgrown” two years ago? Oh wait. Daddy is telling me I really liked those places. So is the price increase a “nostalgia” tax? You know, like how old Van Halen T-Shirts are $40 now. Still doesn’t make any sense because you already had the design assets for the Van Halen logo. It’s not like you had to do a whole lot to it. 

 

I wonder if Activision might be facing tough times. Maybe they needed the price increase to save some American jobs. Did you know that Activision made $381 million dollars in profit for the first quarter of 2010? The first map pack didn’t come out til the second quarter. So it isn’t that.

Maybe the increase is for something else. Does that extra five bucks go towards the “Let’s fix our broken fucking matchmaking party system fund”?  No? Huh. Well then I guess it goes towards a 2011 Cadillac. Daddy can’t roll up to the country club in his 2008 Acura now can he?

Activision went and changed the pricing game for map packs and 2.5 million people bought that DLC in the first week. Gaming is a want, not a need. It’s a hobby. Companies can charge what they want for it and people that love gaming are going to pay for it. It’s a consumer based economy. Supply and demand. This is America. Make as much money as you possibly can. Fireworks. Apple Pie. Michael Bay Films.

I don’t know how many other companies will follow suit. In a way, Activision may have shot themselves in the dick. All it takes is one illuminati-style conference call between other publishers to say “Hey, let’s keep our map pack prices the same.” If this happens, then the casual gamer might take issue with their current pricing model. Fucking casuals. You know who they are. They spamfuck you with noob tubes, scavenger, danger close, and martyrdom.

“Hey, they put it in the game so you could use it.” – every casual ever.

But for all we know, Activision was on the last illuminati-style conference call, and that the other publishers were all “Yo, we should raise the price of map packs, Dawg.” and Activision was all “I’ll fuckin do it! SUP?!”, and all the others went “Yo, you straight-up gangsta, Activision!” and then there were a bunch of fist pumps and barking. End scene.

They didn’t get my money. And they won’t. Now, if you replaced the words “Activision” with “Valve” and replaced “profit” with “struggling”, I would certainly pay more for map packs from Valve because for all my ranting and bitching this is still all about choice. But in order to make a smart choice you need to be informed. I have done my due diligence and know all I need to know for now to invest in economic choices that don’t make me want to vomit.

You wanna keep eating strained fucking peas bought at a premium price? Knock yourself out, kid. You might enjoy peas for years to come but you won’t eat them forever. Not when there are more delicious foods out there that cost less.

Every step made by Activision since the release of Modern Warfare 2 has been a misstep in my eyes. A misstep that has ruined my palete for strained fucking peas. Hell, since before its release even. There was no Multiplayer Beta and as a result, multiplayer was a glitch-ridden mess for the first four months. Some nights it was unplayable.

On those controller-smashing nights it was like you were Pac Man, but Inky had infinite care package drops, Blinky was exploiting the care package grenade running glitch, Pinky was a Javelin-packed suicide bomber, and Clyde was destroying you from 40 feet away with overpowered dual Model 1887’s. Oh, and Clyde’s little-known brother, Justin Bobby Clyde, was sniping you from either outside or under the map. What a great way to experience your product for the first four months. Why wouldn’t I want to reward you by spending more money than any other company charges for the same type of downloadable content?

Don’t be surprised if in the next 12-18 months that the first $70 dollar game on a current gen console is a Call of Duty game. 2.5 million people gave Activision, and anyone with a hot gaming property, carte blanche to do that a few months ago.

This blog is part joke and part serious. I think what it boils down to is I feel that there is a certain arrogance that comes with Call of Duty’s success: “Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely” and all that. And that perceived arrogance has translated to feeding you the same shit for more money on a game that is still broken. That the people that are pushing these peas on you held out on a $36 million dollar payout to the right brain, fired them, then turned around and bashed them with allegations that most people don’t believe will hold up in court.

Who knows when it will end or if it will end? If people keep buying COD games Activision will keep making them. This could go on for years. Not only will we get the regular games, there is talk of a COD action-adventure game and even an MMO. When I heard a rumor about a possible “pay-to-play” model for COD, I was outraged. Now I don’t give a shit. I’d never pay it.  And I would sever all ties with anybody I knew that paid it. Dead to me. Either that or I’d rob them because they apparently have so much money they don’t understand its value or the power it has when you refuse to spend it on something that doesn’t need to be bought, if only to send a message to the pricing gods.

For the sake of wrapping things up, I’ll tell you where it ends: eventually you will come to hate strained fucking peas, but the good news is tattoo removal should be quick and affordable by that point. 

The Shame Monster

Heidi Montag has split from Spencer Pratt. I don’t want to be overly-dramatic about this, but if they can’t make it work, there’s no hope for any of you. Just get a bottle of Whisky, put on a Richard Marx CD, update your Facebook status to “love is now just a word in Scrabble”, and make out with a sawed off shotgun because this shit is all over.

Web pundits believe that this is just a publicity stunt perpetrated by the Aryan brain trust. And it very well might be. But if it is true, then no one is looking out for Heidi. Who is going to guide her career? Who is going to fulfill her intellectual needs? Who’s going to rub tanning cream on her taint?

Well, I don’t speak vapid, and I won’t touch her taint until doctors remove that tumor of a singing voice that lives there, but I can guide her. And unlike Spencer, I can make her an A-list Celebrity. Here is my Five Step Plan to creating Planet Heidi.

Step 1. Stop “Singing”

What phone call is so fucking important that you would let it possibly interfere with your art? You aren’t taking this seriously, Heidi. Leave your singing career for dead in a ditch, exactly how you found it.

 Step 2. Date a D-Lister

Now, you can’t date just any D-list entertainer. You need to find someone that is such a Scotchgard-proof mess that you look relatively normal being on their arm. You need turmoil. You need insanity.

Girl, you need Dick.

Hitting the red carpet with Andy Dick is like hitting the men’s bathroom….with Andy Dick. It will be loud, inappropriate, and there’s gonna be a pee smell that just won’t go away. Let him do all the talking. You only have to date him for a short while because he will cheat on you with either a 19 year-old Asian stripper or a 60 year-old homeless guy.

Retreat into seclusion. Rarely leave the house. When you do, wear Audrey Hepburn sunglasses, Earth Mother frocks, and tons of turquoise. Don’t speak, don’t smile, keep your head down. People will feel your “pain”

Then do ONE interview a month after the fact and cry like your breast implant check bounced. You have suffered in the eyes of the public, but not enough. Still, this doesn’t mean you can’t take the next step.

Step 3. Date a C-List Actor

(Ed note: all the remaining steps are dating. You didn’t think I was going to suggest actual work did you? She can’t act. She can’t sing. She can’t move her face. She can’t be a waitress because her tits would always end up in your mashed potatoes. All she has is her walking Porno Barbie body and a shitload of money.)

After two months, you need to get back out there and date. And this time, you need to date a man. A manly man. An actual movie star that is known for his zen and balance as well as hunky manliness.

Okay, so he’s a bit past his prime, but this has already been calculated into the equation. Also, there are a few allegations about sexual misconduct on his behalf but you will play the role of vindicator. You will talk to the press about how you don’t believe it and that he’s a wonderful and gentle soul…..even if he DP’s you with a horseshoe. Just don’t bring that part up. 

Break up with him a few months later. Simply state, “He’s not my soul mate.” It may be tough to end it with him because you will most certainly be feeling the pull of Stockholm Syndrome, but tough it out. This is about getting to the top and you’re almost there!

Step 4. Date a B-List Actor

You definitely need to get on Gerard Butl-

He’s done with you already? Jesus. Just know this, Gerard: no amount of duct tape will keep that thing on.

Step 5. Date a C-list Actress/A-List Train Wreck

Get the fuck out of here, Gerard Butler! This dude puts his dick in everything. I’m surprised BP hasn’t hired him to shove his wang into that busted pipe at the bottom of the ocean. Now THAT would make for an awesome underwater internet feed, BP.

I present Heidhan...or Lodi. Whatever.

You announce to the world that you have found your soul mate. Your soul mate is Lindsay Lohan. Shut up. Yes, she is. I’ve gotten you this far. Don’t chicken out at the end.

Think about the media frenzy, the interviews, the price for the first set of “at home with” photos. First, you come out, and then you just work out, go out, and make out. That’s all you have to do. Men between the ages of 13-90 will be jerking off non-stop at the thought of two big-breasted women slamming their donuts together. Protip: be sure to invest in Jergen’s and Kleenex before you announce that you’re dating.

Then the reality show. We can call it “The Hills…and Valleys”. No, Heidi, “hills” being breasts and “valleys” being vagi-nevermind. I’ll explain it later.

We run a marketing blitz like no other to bring in huge ad dollars. Then we put the twist in the very first episode: SamRo

The tension, the fights, the three-way sex between two women and Samantha Ronson. Ratings orgy, buckets of money, and guaranteed immortality.

Heidi, if you follow my steps, you can write your own ticket.

You can write, can't you?

Derp

Derppity Derp Derped The Derp